Fear

It is a funny concept “to try for a baby.” The world population has exceeded 6 billion and yet whilst for some there isn’t much of a thought process behind making a baby, for others, it has to be planned and timed carefully.

On the other hand, being conscious about it all is enjoyable. The father of the baby doesn’t feel so traditionally detached. He is really involved.

So it appears that after not very long time of “actively and consciously” letting it be, we are pregnant. Even though I wasn’t thinking about it all the time, I kind of knew. All the signs and the pains were there. However, their similarity to menstrual cramps was a little confusing.

 I was extremely calm when I found out. My feelings were in fact quite neutral – as this is often how I feel when I don’t know what to think or do. But soon after I told my husband, I could feel my body shaking. I still did not know why.

I quickly immersed myself in reading up all the Dos and Don’ts. There are a lot of Don’ts in almost all the areas that define our lifestyle: Food, cosmetics, activities…

My main concern was with being able to continue dancing. I was inexplicably worried about no longer being ME while pregnant. Dancing is what makes me, ME. I was happy to find out that I could continue albeit reduce the intensity.

My year’s supplies of facial creams, mouth wash, body lotions, shampoos, which contain the harmful chemicals, have been stored for post-breast feeding use. I had no idea how difficult it was to find cosmetics products, which are pregnancy friendly!

Next on the agenda is to purchase antenatal yoga and pilates DVDs.

As I read through the ante and post-pregnancy guide that my GP handed me, I am amazed by the amount of knowledge I lack about pregnancy and babies. I decided to take it one step at a time. For the time being, I will only be concerned with my first trimester. I can’t even begin to think about the time after that.

All the while, I am extremely overwhelmed with fear. The fear of not looking after well what God trusted me in my womb, the fear of delivery pains, the fear of not being a good mother, the fear of not being a good wife…At the moment, I am simply terrified!