Weight gain and bad skin

My weight gain has been ballistic this time around as I keep eating everything to stop feeling nauseated. I feel like a balloon and very ugly, very unattractive already. The very bad, pimply skin isn't helping the situation...

First scan

So it turns out I am actually already 13 weeks pregnant. My due date changed again.

What is it about scans that make everything alright? It seems like all is worth it.

This one didn't move the arms and legs like a bug as my first one had done in the first scan but jumped a couple of times, turned around, almost walked in the womb. It seemed to me like the facial features looked more like me.

Now I need to start thinking about ways of breaking the news to my first one.

To eat or not to eat sugar

I've been trying to refrain myself from sugar consumption knowing all the dangers; however, with the way I feel and the limited scope of food I can get myself to consume, it is so hard to avoid anything that doesn't contain sugar.

Seeing a documentary last night equating sugar to cocaine, tobacco and alcohol scared me even more, especially since I am pregnant. 50 years ago pregnant women were smoking during their pregnancy also. So it makes me wonder, if we should avoid sugar the way we avoid tobacco and alcohol now. I would like to do so but it is so hard given that almost anything and everything we buy contains it: bread, muesli, breadsticks, pasta sauces etc...I would be ok with not eating these either under normal circumstances but a breadstick or a piece of bread is the only that stops me from feeling so sick sometimes. 

Due Date?

I finally had my first appointment with a midwife with the NHS. The GP has given me a different due date, now the midwife says I am actually 10 weeks long not 9 weeks. Of course, it will be clearer during the scan. Thankfully, despite my post-natal complications, I am still considered low-risk but I do hope that they do not completely dismiss the potential complications I could face like last time.

Nausea and fatigue are still there. Nausea less than last time but fatigue can be unbearable at times. My body goes into complete shut-down mode. I simply cannot keep my eyes open and have no sense of the world around me. This doesn't become easier as I have a two year old to look after also.

Hip Pain

Strangely, one thing that didn't happen during my first pregnancy occurred this week. My right hip has been quite painful at the joint. I haven't been able to sit or lie on my right side. I wonder if things have started to realign in my body and that's why I had this pain. I have no idea.

Sleep

This week can be defined in one word:"Sleep." Thankfully, it's still been the holidays, so I could afford to take naps but I don't know how I will cope with extreme sleepiness and shut- down mode when work starts next week. 

Holidays

We managed to squeeze in overseas travel and my mother's surprise birthday party this week, neither of which was stress free. My wish and hope that this time around I would be nausea free didn't come true and I am wondering if getting so tired during travels and parties made things worse. It didn't help to find the cellar flooded when we got back home and having to carry out buckets of water into the garden.

Vinegar?

My food and smell aversion is not as bad as my first pregnancy thankfully but then this made me unintentionally eat food that may be risky.

I freaked out when I found out a dip I ate contained red wine vinegar so I started reading up on it. I was relieved to find out that it didn't actually contain alcohol but vinegar, especially balsamic vinegar could potentially contain lead. Then I remembered I had incredulous amounts of balsamic vinegar and other dips and sauces with vinegar earlier as well as tap water, which apparently may contain lead as well if it is from an old building (such as the Victorian building we are living in!)

I have been losing sleep and getting upset about this situation. I called the healthline of our private insurance company and what the nurse told me was basically that there is nothing relating to vinegar in NHS Guidelines but she can see that such claims exist in various websites, so I'd better stop using vinegar all together. She also recommended that I speak to an NHS midwife.

Ridiculously, the first appointment I have been given with an NHS midwife is not for 6 weeks! So I called them and posed my question and the midwife I spoke with didn't even know what lead was.  She said again that there is nothing against vinegar in the NHS Guidelines.

Not satisfied, I have been trying to get a consultation appointment with respected obstetricians on a private basis over the last week, without success.

 I don't understand why midwifery has not turned into a factory mechanism and all concerns are shrugged off as normal and typical pregnancy worries. I do understand that NHS is really stretched for resources but taking care of pregnancy women and their babies should a priority to avoid expensive complications further down the line. 

Heightened sense of smell

I have been wondering if I would have the same symptoms as my previous pregnancy but I hadn't until this morning, which made me forgot that I was pregnant most of the time. I felt a slight sickness and sensitivity towards my husband's body spray this morning, so I am afraid the same symptoms may be coming back. I just hope that they won't be as strong and long lasting as the last time.

I am also somewhat at a loss with what I can eat even though I was provided with a thorough list. I freaked out yesterday after eating a sauce with red wine vinegar. Then I looked it up to find out that it doesn't actually contain alcohol but lead! So I became even more worried. I think I will try to see a private doctor before the NHS takes its time to send me a referral letter so that I can have my first midwife appointment. 

Here we go again

I didn't expect this to happen so quick this time but it did and took me by surprise and a bit of shock. I have been testing a few times. With my first pregnancy, I had only tested once. I think that I am probably more in shock that I will have a Leo baby, which is my main concern. I haven't had the best experiences in life with Leos so far in life and I read that they tend to be babies who do not like much sleep and always want to be the center of attention. But I am sure (and hope) that all that is non-sense.

I just want to make and be sure that my first one, who is so loving and gentle, doesn't miss out on anything and that I give all I have given to my first one to the second baby as well. And most importantly, I want the new baby to be happy and healthy in every way. After all, the two are for each other to have best friends and someone to rely on all their lives as they don't have any aunts, uncles or cousins.

The Future

So I finally broke the news to my dance teacher. She told me she should have been the second person to know after my husband and that she feels bad for telling me off in earlier weeks for not doing a movement properly. That was very sweet. She was very surprised that I am already 3 months though. I guess I don’t show it yet though I already gained 3 kg.

Me being my usual worrying self, I am already depressing over my life, more specifically, my career after the baby comes. I am absolutely terrified. It is not the baby who will change my career. The problem is that I haven’t been able to establish a career, which speaks to my heart so far anyway. And it will get only harder as I get older and am with no child care.

To top it all, the natural disasters in Japan, the radiation leak, problems in the Middle East, problems in my own country, everything upsets me so much. I cry almost every night. I worry about bringing a child into this troubled world.

It’s A Baby!

I had my first scan today and the moment I saw my baby on the monitor, I gasped in shock. It really is there. There is really a baby in me. And it is fully formed.

This puts things in perspective. Until now, all I felt was the debilitating symptoms of pregnancy but now nothing in the world matters anymore. I simply cannot believe that there is a baby in me, kicking and jerking. I am overcome by the pride I feel for my little one’s fingers and toes, big head and belly. It is simply incredible and beautiful!

News

So we finally had to give in to my mom’s Sherlock Holmes games and give the news to parents earlier than planned. Thankfully, they all agree with us that the news should not be spread until much later.

Advice has started to pour in of course, it is unavoidable. I, on the other hand, am in a panic mode. The horror delivery stories are truly messing with my head.

The Big Conspiracy

I have never known that pregnancy itself was so difficult. No woman ever shares this secret with you. I have decided that it must be to ensure people keep on procreating. This is either a major conspiracy against women or pregnant women around me have been so lucky or strong that they haven’t been affected by the unbearable, debilitating and life altering symptoms of pregnancy.

I am no longer myself and it drives me crazy. Moreover, my mother started playing Sherlock Holmes. I am very worried about sharing any news before I hear the baby’s heartbeat and that will not happen until week 12. This is so difficult. The anxiety over what kind of a parent I will be doesn’t help either. 

Ole!

After a violently sick start to my 9^th week of pregnancy, I managed to pull all my strength and give a dance performance. Phew!

I am always so worried that I would have to give up so much from myself due to pregnancy and I already have given up some but I am very pleased with myself for being able to pull up the performance. I only wish I could show the same level of energy at work and home.

I had my first official antenatal clinic visit this week where I was bombarded with a lifetime of information. I also had to give a lot of blood for tests. Fingers crossed all is fine!

I am still terribly frustrated with myself though for suffering all the terrible symptoms of pregnancy in the book, which make me focus on myself and not necessarily the baby.  So I am not able to feel completely maternal. I still don’t know what it is to feel maternal. I am certainly extremely worried about the health and happiness of my baby as well as being terrified of being good parents. I wonder if the fear will every go away.

Nesting Time?

I feel so dried out because of constantly eating crackers and carbohydrates that I think I will soon grow cracker trees.

I am drowsy all day long even though I am currently getting the best night’s sleeps of my life. I sleep really deep. My dreams have never been so lucid, linear and full of thrill and action before. I wake up every morning feeling as if I was chased by a gang of murderers all night long.

Morning hours are the worst. On top of the sickness and the drowsiness, which are not only in the mornings, I have an incredibly high heart rate, which makes it almost impossible to catch up with my own breath.

In the meantime, everyone expects my usual performance in life, including my mom as no one still knows about my pregnancy.

Though, whilst I only feel the pains of pregnancy so far, my husband seems to have caught on a little bit. He is tired (though he works very hard), his muscles ache (though he works out like a professional sportsman) but nicest of all, he reads up about pregnancy and he already started nesting a little.

He amazes me with his knowledge on what I should and should not eat. He already started tidying up our guestroom in order to make room for a baby cot. He’s so sweet.

Loneliness

I am yet to enjoy being pregnant, let alone be fully conscious of it. The incessant nausea is making my life miserable. I cannot function and cannot eat or drink anything. I don’t feel like myself anymore.

My husband and I have decided not to break the news to anyone, including our parents until week 12 in order to save them from unnecessary joy, which may result in heartache. God forbid any heartache. I do pray that everything will be fine and that the baby will be healthy.

Though, I am worried about not being able to get all the crucial nutrition that the baby needs. I simply cannot eat anything! This is horrid.

But not being able to share the news, especially with my mom is very difficult. I so wish I could tell her and she could find a remedy to my 24/7 nausea problem. I so desperately need comforting and being taken care of right now. It feels very lonely!

I can’t concentrate on my work. I question the pregnant women who always smile in their pictures. Are they faking it? Why no one has ever told me how pregnancy sickness could be so disruptive? Maybe the other women are stronger than me and can handle it. Or perhaps it is a conspiracy against the female species to ensure that they keep on procreate…

Fear

It is a funny concept “to try for a baby.” The world population has exceeded 6 billion and yet whilst for some there isn’t much of a thought process behind making a baby, for others, it has to be planned and timed carefully.

On the other hand, being conscious about it all is enjoyable. The father of the baby doesn’t feel so traditionally detached. He is really involved.

So it appears that after not very long time of “actively and consciously” letting it be, we are pregnant. Even though I wasn’t thinking about it all the time, I kind of knew. All the signs and the pains were there. However, their similarity to menstrual cramps was a little confusing.

 I was extremely calm when I found out. My feelings were in fact quite neutral – as this is often how I feel when I don’t know what to think or do. But soon after I told my husband, I could feel my body shaking. I still did not know why.

I quickly immersed myself in reading up all the Dos and Don’ts. There are a lot of Don’ts in almost all the areas that define our lifestyle: Food, cosmetics, activities…

My main concern was with being able to continue dancing. I was inexplicably worried about no longer being ME while pregnant. Dancing is what makes me, ME. I was happy to find out that I could continue albeit reduce the intensity.

My year’s supplies of facial creams, mouth wash, body lotions, shampoos, which contain the harmful chemicals, have been stored for post-breast feeding use. I had no idea how difficult it was to find cosmetics products, which are pregnancy friendly!

Next on the agenda is to purchase antenatal yoga and pilates DVDs.

As I read through the ante and post-pregnancy guide that my GP handed me, I am amazed by the amount of knowledge I lack about pregnancy and babies. I decided to take it one step at a time. For the time being, I will only be concerned with my first trimester. I can’t even begin to think about the time after that.

All the while, I am extremely overwhelmed with fear. The fear of not looking after well what God trusted me in my womb, the fear of delivery pains, the fear of not being a good mother, the fear of not being a good wife…At the moment, I am simply terrified!