The Big Conspiracy

I have never known that pregnancy itself was so difficult. No woman ever shares this secret with you. I have decided that it must be to ensure people keep on procreating. This is either a major conspiracy against women or pregnant women around me have been so lucky or strong that they haven’t been affected by the unbearable, debilitating and life altering symptoms of pregnancy.

I am no longer myself and it drives me crazy. Moreover, my mother started playing Sherlock Holmes. I am very worried about sharing any news before I hear the baby’s heartbeat and that will not happen until week 12. This is so difficult. The anxiety over what kind of a parent I will be doesn’t help either. 

Ole!

After a violently sick start to my 9^th week of pregnancy, I managed to pull all my strength and give a dance performance. Phew!

I am always so worried that I would have to give up so much from myself due to pregnancy and I already have given up some but I am very pleased with myself for being able to pull up the performance. I only wish I could show the same level of energy at work and home.

I had my first official antenatal clinic visit this week where I was bombarded with a lifetime of information. I also had to give a lot of blood for tests. Fingers crossed all is fine!

I am still terribly frustrated with myself though for suffering all the terrible symptoms of pregnancy in the book, which make me focus on myself and not necessarily the baby.  So I am not able to feel completely maternal. I still don’t know what it is to feel maternal. I am certainly extremely worried about the health and happiness of my baby as well as being terrified of being good parents. I wonder if the fear will every go away.

Nesting Time?

I feel so dried out because of constantly eating crackers and carbohydrates that I think I will soon grow cracker trees.

I am drowsy all day long even though I am currently getting the best night’s sleeps of my life. I sleep really deep. My dreams have never been so lucid, linear and full of thrill and action before. I wake up every morning feeling as if I was chased by a gang of murderers all night long.

Morning hours are the worst. On top of the sickness and the drowsiness, which are not only in the mornings, I have an incredibly high heart rate, which makes it almost impossible to catch up with my own breath.

In the meantime, everyone expects my usual performance in life, including my mom as no one still knows about my pregnancy.

Though, whilst I only feel the pains of pregnancy so far, my husband seems to have caught on a little bit. He is tired (though he works very hard), his muscles ache (though he works out like a professional sportsman) but nicest of all, he reads up about pregnancy and he already started nesting a little.

He amazes me with his knowledge on what I should and should not eat. He already started tidying up our guestroom in order to make room for a baby cot. He’s so sweet.

Loneliness

I am yet to enjoy being pregnant, let alone be fully conscious of it. The incessant nausea is making my life miserable. I cannot function and cannot eat or drink anything. I don’t feel like myself anymore.

My husband and I have decided not to break the news to anyone, including our parents until week 12 in order to save them from unnecessary joy, which may result in heartache. God forbid any heartache. I do pray that everything will be fine and that the baby will be healthy.

Though, I am worried about not being able to get all the crucial nutrition that the baby needs. I simply cannot eat anything! This is horrid.

But not being able to share the news, especially with my mom is very difficult. I so wish I could tell her and she could find a remedy to my 24/7 nausea problem. I so desperately need comforting and being taken care of right now. It feels very lonely!

I can’t concentrate on my work. I question the pregnant women who always smile in their pictures. Are they faking it? Why no one has ever told me how pregnancy sickness could be so disruptive? Maybe the other women are stronger than me and can handle it. Or perhaps it is a conspiracy against the female species to ensure that they keep on procreate…